I wrote this almost a year ago. It was about a week after we found out we were pregnant with Sadie and for some reason I just never posted it. So here it is now...
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I used to dream about a day when we might be "surprised" by a positive pregnancy test but in the back of my mind I never thought it would be possible. I had to use Clomid to get pregnant with Olivia, then I went through 23 months of infertility struggles to get pregnant with Charlotte. Those 23 months were filled with multiple doctors, medications, shots (some were even self-given), a miscarriage, and 2 IUI attempts. It was so heartbreaking. I've written about it before so I won't go back through all the details, but it was tough. But finally, on Mother's Day 2013, we got pregnant with Charlotte!
I say all of this to support my thinking that I really never thought we'd be able to have a baby on our own. And I was ok with that. In fact, Drew and I had already started weighing our options about baby #3. I was due for an annual check-up in March so I was planning on asking my doctor then what she would suggest we do. Maybe start off with Clomid again? Or just cut to the chase and head straight to the infertility doctor in Shreveport where we had our IUIs done?
After having Charlotte, we were open to having another baby. Of course we wanted one... not too soon, but if the Lord blessed us with another baby we would've been thrilled, no matter the timing! And then nothing happened, which wasn't surprising given my history, and I was also still breastfeeding which tends to lessen your chances of getting pregnant. I would sporadically take pregnancy tests just to "make sure" I wasn't pregnant and after several negative tests, I just stopped taking them. It brought back lots of memories of one negative test after another when trying after Olivia and I was determined not to beat myself up with grief like I did back then.
I had one cycle in December and that was it. Nothing since then, which also wasn't surprising. That's very normal for me so I never gave it a second thought.
Last Sunday we ate lunch with some friends at a Mexican restaurant after church and then came home to get ready for the annual Youth Bake Sale that night. The entire time I was baking my cake I was having horrible chest pains. It hurt all throughout my chest and even spread to my shoulders and down my arms a little... it was actually sort of scary. It would not go away! I finally went and laid down in bed to get some relief and I told Drew about it. He said,
"It's probably just heartburn from lunch."
"No, it can't be heartburn. I only get that when I'm pregnant."
Then said, "Alright!!" And tried to fist bump me.
"Listen, I would love to fist bump you over that, but I can tell you right now that's not possible!"
A little while later Drew left for church and I was in the kitchen finishing up my cake. I kept thinking about what he said. Heartburn. Honestly, I've never had it when I wasn't pregnant, and I just couldn't shake the thought. I knew I had a couple of tests still in the bathroom drawer and I thought what the heck!? I'll take one just to clear the air and get it off my mind. It'll be negative like it usually is and I'll go about my business. No big deal.
As soon as those 3 little drops hit the test and the results started to creep up the strip, I immediately saw a dark red line. And then another red line. 2 lines? What in the world? Like an idiot, I checked the box again to make sure I was reading this thing right! It was positive. My brain automatically started thinking of reasons why this had to be a false positive. I think I was just too scared to get excited! I had one more test left in the drawer so I quickly tore it open and tested it too, just to make sure the first wasn't a fluke. Same thing... 2 dark red lines!
Boy, then I really started having chest pains! Ha! It was such a mixture of emotions. Total shock, joy, happiness, and a little disbelief. I think my brain freaked out for a little while. I knew I had to tell Drew. I couldn't just call him and it was way too important to text, and I couldn't wait one more minute!! So I just loaded Charlotte up in the car (Livy was at Pappy and Annie's), grabbed the positive tests, and drove straight to the church to find Drew.
The whole way I prayed,
"Lord... thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Wait. Is this real? Lord, if this is real, thank you! If this isn't real... no, it's real. Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
Drew met me at the car and I said,
"So I figured out why my chest was hurting so bad..." and I held out the tests in my hand.
"What is that??"
"What does it look like?"
I could see his wheels turning verrrrry slowly and then he got it. "Really?"
"Yep!!!"
"Really??"
"Yes!!!"
"Seriously???"
"YES!!!!!"
"Man, that's awesome!!"
Then we sat there in the parking lot giggling and searching for words... with our 12 month old in the back seat! Who will now be a big sister?!
I tell ya... I am SO EXCITED! I really feel like we've defied all odds here. We got pregnant on the very first try while I'm still breastfeeding. I really can't grasp how it happened so so easily this time around. Thanks be to God, that's for sure!
I feel a little like the father from the book of Mark. The father asked Jesus if He could heal his demon possessed son...
23Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.
24And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.
How many times have I thought that exact same thing? I believe, but help my unbelief. Lord, I know You can, I'm just not sure if You will. In this instance, He can and He did. I don't feel worthy of being blessed this much but I am ever so grateful and thankful!
I say all of this to support my thinking that I really never thought we'd be able to have a baby on our own. And I was ok with that. In fact, Drew and I had already started weighing our options about baby #3. I was due for an annual check-up in March so I was planning on asking my doctor then what she would suggest we do. Maybe start off with Clomid again? Or just cut to the chase and head straight to the infertility doctor in Shreveport where we had our IUIs done?
After having Charlotte, we were open to having another baby. Of course we wanted one... not too soon, but if the Lord blessed us with another baby we would've been thrilled, no matter the timing! And then nothing happened, which wasn't surprising given my history, and I was also still breastfeeding which tends to lessen your chances of getting pregnant. I would sporadically take pregnancy tests just to "make sure" I wasn't pregnant and after several negative tests, I just stopped taking them. It brought back lots of memories of one negative test after another when trying after Olivia and I was determined not to beat myself up with grief like I did back then.
I had one cycle in December and that was it. Nothing since then, which also wasn't surprising. That's very normal for me so I never gave it a second thought.
Last Sunday we ate lunch with some friends at a Mexican restaurant after church and then came home to get ready for the annual Youth Bake Sale that night. The entire time I was baking my cake I was having horrible chest pains. It hurt all throughout my chest and even spread to my shoulders and down my arms a little... it was actually sort of scary. It would not go away! I finally went and laid down in bed to get some relief and I told Drew about it. He said,
"It's probably just heartburn from lunch."
"No, it can't be heartburn. I only get that when I'm pregnant."
Then said, "Alright!!" And tried to fist bump me.
"Listen, I would love to fist bump you over that, but I can tell you right now that's not possible!"
A little while later Drew left for church and I was in the kitchen finishing up my cake. I kept thinking about what he said. Heartburn. Honestly, I've never had it when I wasn't pregnant, and I just couldn't shake the thought. I knew I had a couple of tests still in the bathroom drawer and I thought what the heck!? I'll take one just to clear the air and get it off my mind. It'll be negative like it usually is and I'll go about my business. No big deal.
As soon as those 3 little drops hit the test and the results started to creep up the strip, I immediately saw a dark red line. And then another red line. 2 lines? What in the world? Like an idiot, I checked the box again to make sure I was reading this thing right! It was positive. My brain automatically started thinking of reasons why this had to be a false positive. I think I was just too scared to get excited! I had one more test left in the drawer so I quickly tore it open and tested it too, just to make sure the first wasn't a fluke. Same thing... 2 dark red lines!
Boy, then I really started having chest pains! Ha! It was such a mixture of emotions. Total shock, joy, happiness, and a little disbelief. I think my brain freaked out for a little while. I knew I had to tell Drew. I couldn't just call him and it was way too important to text, and I couldn't wait one more minute!! So I just loaded Charlotte up in the car (Livy was at Pappy and Annie's), grabbed the positive tests, and drove straight to the church to find Drew.
The whole way I prayed,
"Lord... thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Wait. Is this real? Lord, if this is real, thank you! If this isn't real... no, it's real. Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
Drew met me at the car and I said,
"So I figured out why my chest was hurting so bad..." and I held out the tests in my hand.
"What is that??"
"What does it look like?"
I could see his wheels turning verrrrry slowly and then he got it. "Really?"
"Yep!!!"
"Really??"
"Yes!!!"
"Seriously???"
"YES!!!!!"
"Man, that's awesome!!"
Then we sat there in the parking lot giggling and searching for words... with our 12 month old in the back seat! Who will now be a big sister?!
I tell ya... I am SO EXCITED! I really feel like we've defied all odds here. We got pregnant on the very first try while I'm still breastfeeding. I really can't grasp how it happened so so easily this time around. Thanks be to God, that's for sure!
I feel a little like the father from the book of Mark. The father asked Jesus if He could heal his demon possessed son...
23Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.
24And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.
How many times have I thought that exact same thing? I believe, but help my unbelief. Lord, I know You can, I'm just not sure if You will. In this instance, He can and He did. I don't feel worthy of being blessed this much but I am ever so grateful and thankful!
